Better Than Me
by Jazminadra
Summary: I really miss your hair in my face, and the way your innocence tastes. And I think you should know this, you deserve much better than me.


**A/N: So this is a little fic based on Hinder's song Better than me. It reminded me about Edward and Bella in New Moon so much that I had to make a fanfic about it. And I think the lyrics really suit we with Edward feelings after he left Bella. And the song is really good, you should go listen it! :D  
This takes place just after Edward has left Bella. And there might be lots of grammar and spelling mistakes, since I haven't wrote so much in english yet and I didn't have beta reader for this one.**** But hope you enjoy it anyway and please review!**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyers owns the characters and the lyrics belongs to Hinder, so I don't really own anything...**

**Better Than Me**

This was the first time in my life that it really bothered me that I couldn't sleep. It would've been nice to forget this unbearable pain just for a while. Even though if I could have slept, I would have just probably dreamed about you. I hardly remembered anymore what it was like to dream, but it was more real than just memories. And I wasn't sure I was able to take it. The pain almost killed me now, even thought I tried my best not to think about you, actually it would have been better, that it would have killed me. It was hard not to run to you right now, but every time I was going to catch the first plane to Washington, I reminded myself of the reasons, why I had to leave you at the first place.

_I think you can do much better than me  
After all the lies that I made you believe  
Guilt kicks in and I start to see  
The edge of the bed  
Where your nightgown used to be_

I just couldn't risk your life every minute I was with you. I just couldn't do it; my pain was just the price I had to pay to keep you safe. I could take it. Anything to keep you safe. I wasn't good enough for you anyway, you were so sweet and beautiful and pure. And I was just a monster after all.

I awaked from my thought and looked around me. I was at our new home; it was full of new and beautiful furniture that I barely recognized. And it wouldn't be my home for a long time, I need to get away. I didn't know yet where I would go, but I couldn't stay here.

I was alone right now, the others where hunting and I was thankful that they let me be alone. I loved my family so much and it killed me that they had to suffer too. But I guessed there's just nothing I could do about it, I was trying to be selfless, but I just ended up hurting everyone I loved.

_I told myself I won't miss you  
But I remember  
What it feels like beside you_

Sometimes the pain was too much to bear. Actually most of the times it was too much to bear. I tried to block you out of my mind, but it was hard. I remembered everything so clearly. Your face, your scent, your voice… And everything reminded about you. It felt like there was a hole in my chest, right there where my dead, cold heart was supposed to be. I've left my heart with you even though you didn't know it, now it never would be mine again.

I looked at the mirror that was right beside me. My eyes were black. I was thirsty; I knew it, though I couldn't feel the thirst. I should've gone hunting with the others, but I just couldn't. I needed to be alone; I couldn't face my family right now. Right now I was just alone with all the pain.

_I really miss your hair in my face  
And the way your innocence tastes  
And I think you should know this  
You deserve much better than me_

I missed you so much. Everything about you. I didn't know what was the point in living, when I couldn't be with you. You were my sun, you were my stars, you were literally the whole world to me. I didn't have any idea how I would survive without you, I just knew I had to.

_While looking through your old box of notes  
I found those pictures I took  
That you were looking for_

I remembered the pictures I left under your floor. I wondered will you ever find them. Guess no, that's why I left them there, I didn't want anything to remind you about me, but still I wanted to leave some kind of mark. Mark that I had existed in her life. Mark of our time together, the best time of my existents. I knew it was crazy, I just couldn't help myself. And I really planed to take them with me, but I just couldn't. I wasn't perfect (far from it) and even though I wasn't human, I had many human elements. I was weak, like humans, though I tried to convince myself I wasn't. But I was, so week indeed. And I'm sorry about that, love.

_If there's one memory I don't want to lose  
That time at the mall  
You and me in the dressing room_

I remembered all the good memories. Every second I spent with you was unforgettable. Our first conversation, your first smile for me, our first kiss… Do you remember when I stopped the van from crashing you? Do you remember us in our meadow; you really made that place even more magical. Do you remember the prom? You didn't like dancing, but you enjoyed it still, didn't you? Do you remember our summer together? It was my best summer ever, was it yours too? Oh, how I wished I could read your thoughts, I wanted to know everything about you. I still wanted even though I knew it was wrong.

I remembered it, I remembered our every touch, every word, every kiss. Did you? It was complicated, I wanted you to forget, so that you can go on. But at the same time some selfish part in me wanted you to remember.

_I told myself I won't miss you  
But I remember  
What it feels like beside you_

_I really miss your hair in my face  
And the way your innocence tastes  
And I think you should know this  
You deserve much better than me_

You were so beautiful, so warm, so human. You were perfect. Everything in you was so beautiful, even your funny clumsiness. The way you spoke in you dreams always fascinated me. The way you smiled… It was indescribable. And your eyes, they shined so much brighter than stars. I could've gone on forever.

I didn't know how anyone could be that perfect. You deserved everything, everything I couldn't give you. You were far too good for me from the beginning. And I've known I couldn't be with you, from the beginning. So why was I so stupid, that I let you attached me? Why was I so weak? My weakness caused you pain. That was unbearable thought. So many unbearable thought these days.

And that was all I had, just a bunch of thought. How empty could a person feel? It felt like there was nothing left from me. You took it all, my heart and my… _soul_. I didn't believe I had a soul to give you, but if Carlisle was right, if vampires did have souls, you've took mine. There was nothing left.

_The bed I'm lying in is getting colder  
Wish I never would've said it's over  
And I can't pretend... I won't think about you when I'm older  
Cause we never really had our closure  
This can't be the end_

Now the question was how could I go on? How could I go one, when I was so empty. You've left permanent mark on me, I wasn't the same and I will never be. I couldn't think about the future, I didn't have one. It was one of the too painful thoughts. I had to live one second at a time. I had to find my way to survive without you. Because I couldn't put you in danger every second you were with me, I couldn't take your human life, you were too valuable. I had to hurt you that was necessary to keep you safe, I'm sorry about that.

I didn't really know what it was like to love, before I met you. For a while you gave me everything I ever wanted and more. Now I know what love means. Love, when it's the most beautiful, most perfect, it could ever be. That was my love for you and it will never fade. I will always love you, thought you will never know it.

I'm sorry, love.

_I really miss your hair in my face  
And the way your innocence tastes  
And I think you should know this  
You deserve much better than me  
(And I think you should know this)  
(You deserve much better than me)_

**A/N: So please, tell me what you think? :)**


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